The Educated Dachshund’s Guide to Barking

Some people think barking is simply noise.
It is.

However, there are important reasons an educated dachshund should make these noises.

After careful consideration, I have prepared a list of the ten most important ones:

10) For attention

Ever get fed up with your humans talking among themselves and ignoring you?

Bark.

9) Because someone is at the door

Humans have doorbells. But they often seem uncertain what to do after the doorbell rings.

A dachshund must therefore assist by barking loudly and repeatedly.

8) Because someone - ANYONE - is walking in the street

Clearly up to no good.

Bark.

7) Because something moved

Examples include:

• leaves

• shadows

• wind

• a plastic bag doing something questionable

Bark just to be safe.

6) Because nothing moved

This is also suspicious.
Suspiciously quiet.

Bark immediately.

5) Because another dog barked somewhere far away

It is polite to answer.
Dachshund etiquette requires it.

Bark like there's no tomorrow.

4) Because dinner should be happening

If dinner is late by even three minutes, corrective barking is required.

3) Because a squirrel exists

No further explanation is necessary.

Bark.

2) Because you feel joyful

Celebratory barking.

Giggle Sprout attempted this.
And failed miserably.

1) Because you are a dachshund

This is the most important reason of all.

A dachshund who does not bark?
Technically possible.
But boring.


Note to self:

• Give Giggle Sprout howling lessons

• Find other things to bark at

• Get a disguise